Just fell off a train. Bad.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
