no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
