Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
