you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
