I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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