ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
