please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
