I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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