Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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