I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
