I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
