the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
