They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
