I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
vagina is talking i cant
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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