I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
