my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
