You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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