so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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