hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
