Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
