I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
