i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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