First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
