Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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