Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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