my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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