I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
