I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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