glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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