no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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