i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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