I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My life is pants optional.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
