At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
