so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my sisters under your porch take her home
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
