I am in a vortex of obligation.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
home. puking in laundry basket.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
