nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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