apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
