Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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