Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
