Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
