I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
