we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
FUCK WHALES
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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