im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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