Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
