just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
