I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
