I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
