So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
