I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
