ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
As shirtless as possible
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
