I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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