nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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