have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I am midnight drunk by noon
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
