you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
